that's mrs. mediocrity to you

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When did you feel most at home this year:
in your life, in your space, in your career, in your skin?

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Since I already wrote about where I feel most at home this year (here), I’m going to flip this prompt on its side and write about where I feel LEAST at home.

Apparently, it’s in my own skin.

I hate photos of myself, even all doctored-up and prettified ones like the one above.  Really, I’ve always been that way, but it has definitely gotten worse as I’ve gotten… ahem, older.

I no longer feel at home in this body that is breaking down much more quickly than my mind.

Inside, I still feel 25. I think this is Mother Nature’s sense of humor. We get the wisdom of age with a body that is too tired to act on it. Just when we start to feel comfortable with who we are, finally, our bodies turn on us, slapping us in the face for getting fresh and thinking we could do all the things we did when we were young.

I want to run, every day. Even every other day is a struggle now, knees and hips and muscles stay sore, need rest, complain loudly.

Parts start to wear out, those knees and hips, teeth and eyes. And I won’t even go into the sagging. Or the money I’ve spent on face creams and their promises, promises. Photoshop helps, managing to hide the flaws and wrinkles and extra skin. At least a little. And that’s a good thing.

The problem is, my mind hasn’t caught up to my body. This body that is home to my soul. A soul that is still working to stay airborne. A body keeps me tethered to the ground, calling me home with shouts and exhaustion, aches and admonishment.

Often, I find myself looking at my body with derision. Scorn. Anger.

Asking, why can’t you keep up?

And so it is.

I suppose I will get over it eventually. Settle in to this skin that is more wrinkled than smooth, more loose than firm, more dry than elastic.

But I have a feeling that by the time I reach that point, it will be time for my soul to fly on its own.

So for now, I will simply call a truce with those wrinkles, those weary bones, those aching muscles. We will agree to disagree and move on. We will be roommates out of necessity, sharing days and weeks and years.

But I’m keeping my face cream all to myself.

Take that, Mother Nature.

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{reverb11} check it out here  {resound11} check it out here

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What scared you this year more than anything else?
Did you learn anything new about yourself?

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loss.

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of youth.

of life.

of running.

of comfort.

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it’s a

good thing

i had hope

to balance

it out.

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{reverb11} check it out here

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What are 12 things your life doesn’t need in 2012?
How are you making out on your 11 things from last year?

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all i really need to do is add one word to last year’s list.

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i can pick at least eleven twelve things
the whole world could do without:

war. poverty. hunger.

intolerance. abuse. disease.

hatred. cruelty. disaster.

violence. indifference.

inertia.

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after that,

all the things i don’t need,

well, they’re just

things.

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still.

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{reverb11} check it out here

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What do you wish you had done more of in 2011?

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laughed until tears poured down my face.

run faster and harder and further.

danced in the shadow of a mountain.

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hugged.

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believed in everything and nothing all at once.

laid in the grass and stared at the clouds.

extra cups of morning tea in my garden.

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said i love you.

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listened to all of the music that i love.

worried less and smiled more.

read books until the wee hours of the morning.

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accepted.

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held hands beneath the stars.

spent lazy nowhere-to-be time with my family.

gave less time to work and more time to love.

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kissed.

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ignored the clock and the calendar.

invited the moon inside.

collected all the words that spill from my mind.

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nothing.

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{reverb11} check it out here

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Describe a moment of beauty that you witnessed this year.

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so much

of life’s beauty

can be found

dancing

in the

shadows.

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{reverb11} check it out here

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Post your best photo of the year.

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This was a tough one, requiring judgment
and singling out and paring down
when there were so many lovely things
to look at this past year, so many favorites.

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But in the end, I had to choose this one.
First, because it took days and days of hiding in the bushes
and waiting patiently to get the shot.
Bluebirds are very shy.

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And second, because when the bluebird of happiness
lands right in your backyard,
well, it’s the best.

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{reverb11} check it out here  {resound11} check it out here

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Take us back to a moment this year when you experienced
pure, unadulterated joy.

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after months

of knee pain and

then surgery

and then recovery,

the first time

i headed

down this path,

running.

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{reverb11} check it out here

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Who have you forgiven this year and what was
the journey like that brought you to forgive them?

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Forgiveness is such a tough one. For most of my life, I was really bad at it. I was one of those people, a grudge-holder. A thorn-in-my-side kind of person. It’s true.

In the last few years, I have shifted away from that. I think it started when I was ill, and the old cliche that life is too short started whispering itself in my ear. Tapping me on the shoulder. Tripping me when it thought I wasn’t looking.

But it’s true, you know. Life is too short.

And I have too many things I want to do to waste time holding grudges. To take up space in my heart and my soul with hatred and anger. To fill my days with looking back when all I need is right now.

More cliches, I know. Still, these are the realizations I came to. I’m not claiming to be good at forgiving just because I have reached this point. Forgiving is still a hard thing to do. Especially for the big hurts. But I am better at it now, because I’m willing to forgive. I don’t stand in the black or the white, I keep my feet in the grey. Well, at least I try.

So the answer to the question, who did I forgive this year?

Everyone. Including myself.

I let things roll off my back and on down the hill. I allowed myself to be less than perfect. I stopped clinging to the hope that I could do it all and chose the things I really wanted to do.

And I stopped holding grudges. Well, okay, I stopped holding them for such a long time, there may have been a moment or two that still managed to take hold of my senses. I’m only human, after all. But I forgave myself for that, too.

And my life is better because of it. The older I get, the more I learn to embrace humanity. Because we really are all in this together. There’s a whole fabulous spectrum between dark and light. I want to keep moving forward, and I am drawn to all that color, that green and that violet, that blue.

And besides, everything you’ve ever heard about forgiveness…

is true.

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{reverb11} check it out here

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What made you laugh this year?

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this.

365 days.

times 5.

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and i

still miss

george.

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{reverb11} check it out here

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Think about this past year. Is there a song that you’ve heard that
has really struck a chord, one that has spoken to you?

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This year, there was a song.

I fell in love with it the first time I heard it, and then I played it
over and over and over again for months.

I do that sometimes. I’m weird like that.

My husband and son got tired of hearing it.

But I didn’t.

I suppose you could say that it is a sad, melancholy song.

But to me, it is laced with hope.

And as you probably know by now, I’m big on hope.

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Lines like:

Hello, hello, there is no place I cannot go.

Look at the stars beneath my feet.

Said he’d seen my enemy, said he looked just like me.

And my reflection troubles me, so here I go.

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James Blunt. Same Mistake

I’ve never embedded a video here, and
I don’t think I’m going to attempt it now.

But here’s a link if you want to have a listen.

(I tried to find a version that didn’t force you to watch a commercial first.)

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Happy Monday.

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{reverb11} check it out here  {resound11} check it out here