this is my life
on stress
Lately I have been feeling completely overwhelmed by overwhelm. I cannot get caught up, I will never be caught up, my to-do list gets longer but it never gets shorter, I hear it yelling at me even when I’m not looking. There is always more and more and more.
I know this, and I keep saying yes. I keep trying to fit it all in, to do all the things that I want to do in addition to the things that I have to do, and then I keep changing the rules. It feels like a cycle I can’t break out of, a circle I am enclosed in, a cage I can only sing complaints from.
If I know why the caged bird sings, why can’t I just let her out?
I want to open the door with my own two hands, I want to sing the tune that I wrote myself, I want to be the one who built the cage.
Oh wait, I am. I did.
This is my life, I made it step by step and minute by minute, all those choices, all those detours, all those maps that weren’t maps, they were mazes that took me someplace else, this place that is jungle and desert and sometimes, ocean, and I say that because I can’t swim.
I built my life, I am responsible. I know that. Sometimes I want to run away, start from scratch, do it right, take the correct path instead of the one I thought was better, the one that was less traveled, because now I know why it was less traveled, don’t I?
I am whining, I am sorry, I know, I should not, I should look for the silver lining. And I will, tomorrow. Or maybe even in five minutes, these clouds will clear and I will see, I will remember that life isn’t all that bad, this is, after all, just overwhelm. It could be under, under anything and that would be worse because over is always better, right? Too much is better than not enough.
No, wait, less is more. I forgot that, too, more or less.
Okay I am done with my rant, with my rave, with my long-winded empirical whine.
I’m going to go eat some chocolate.
And by the way, when it comes to chocolate,
I don’t care what anyone says,
less is never more.
June 8th, 2010 at 6:43 am
Flow ought to be natural.
“Sometimes I want to run away, start from scratch, do it right, take the correct path instead of the one I thought was better, the one that was less traveled, because now I know why it was less traveled, don’t I?”
I have had this feeling and thought so many times. Simple example. I remember thinking if I’d done this or that differently with my son, he wouldn’t be a bad sleeper, picky eater, etc. So I tried to do it “right” with my daughter, and she was a bad sleeper, picky eater, etc. The difficulty lies in the uniqueness of each moment & our particular capabilities as it arrives.
You ROCK, by the way.
June 8th, 2010 at 7:22 am
Boy, have I ever been there… and it sucks.
One of the wonderful qualities that my husband took from his military service is being able to compartmentalize and take things one step/day at a time.
He swears by to-do lists and by focusing on the present… it works for him and has helped me too.
I feel like time races by me; that I will never catch up; never do all the things I need/want to do… but that kind of thinking leads to a nervous breakdown (been there) and ultimately to unhappiness (been there too.)
I have found my husband’s advice to be sage and his method to be effective ~ take pride in even the most small/mundane accomplishments and just BE HERE NOW.
xoxo
June 8th, 2010 at 11:01 am
I am a big fan of venting and wailing and shaking my fists at the heavens *before* I start looking for a silver lining. So I’m glad you could share that with us.
June 8th, 2010 at 1:43 pm
I feel this way but only sometimes. People got used to the fact that I am able to say no. And now, they ask someone else before coming to me.
It’s a difficult word to say, and one that needs practice, especially with a person who’s so apt to give of themselves all the time.
I do hope it gets better.
June 8th, 2010 at 5:51 pm
i like your style of whining….
and if it’s chocolate that makes it all better…well then….i say bathe in it….can you even imagine 🙂
June 8th, 2010 at 8:03 pm
maybe that’s why so many of us are attracted to cyberspace…it mimics the webs and mazes we make for ourselves in real life, but here we can just have fun with them while we meet new people along the way!
June 8th, 2010 at 8:15 pm
Love you….
June 9th, 2010 at 12:14 am
so you’re building your next cage from chocolate, right?
June 9th, 2010 at 12:19 am
seriously, thelma j (not that i wasn’t serious in my previous comment), but i hate that you are overwhelmed by overwhelm, and i hope one of those stupid cliches that are supposed to make you feel better but only make you feel worse (if that’s possible) winds up coming true soon. especially the one about the dark clouds giving way to silver linings. hey listen, when you’re ready to strike out in search of the “correct”, less traveled path, let me know and i’ll ride shotgun. we’ll swing by and pick up lew-ease, too.
LoveYouReallyMeanIt,
And
June 9th, 2010 at 7:25 am
I so understand the overwhelm. Even when we’ve crafted lives we think we wanted..there are times when it all gets to be too much. And – good dark chocolate DOES help – 🙂
June 9th, 2010 at 2:07 pm
1) screw “shoulds”
2) yes, yes, yes to chocolate!
3) HOW DID YOU GET IN MY HEAD?!?
June 14th, 2010 at 6:06 pm
Lately, I have had the strongest urge to put on the brakes. To scream that I know I made this life but I’m not happy in its business and I want to go back to those days of eating frozen pizza and working fast food, and just hanging out at home when not at work. Simple, easy, relaxing.