arbitrary thoughts
on out of focus things
The light is changing and the days run a few minutes longer and I tell myself this will be the year I get over February. (Though I say that every year and it has yet to actually happen.)
Last night I finished the afghan I started 6 or 8 years ago (so along ago that I can’t remember which) and I thought that perhaps this will be the year of finishing. Or maybe rather than thought, I hoped.
Listening and finishing. The map of 2016.
Of course, like all maps, there is a certain margin for error and I have factored in lots of room to get lost. And I know there will be times when I choose not to use that map at all, because I don’t always like to know where I’m going, I’d rather drift and explore.
I read this article and suddenly felt right at home in my mind. Vindicated in some small way. Okay, it may have been a big way. Whatever.
It was an answer. An answer to why I always, always, always prefer the questions. Which is a funny concept all on its own.
The other day I wondered why we’re all so obsessed with happiness. I wondered if that’s even true. I wondered if I want to be happy, and decided yes, but not all the time. I’d prefer to be okay with being sad or angry or bored or irritated or content or confused, too. I’d prefer to experience all of it.
I walked out to get the mail and the sun was shining and the sky was clear and not-so-winter blue and for a second, I felt pure joy. At simply being alive and outside with the sun on my face. I remembered then how much I need to be out of doors. Winter always makes me forget.
Doors. An endless source for metaphors.
I miss color. Even my face is white and pale. I miss my freckles. (Okay maybe they are age spots, but I’m choosing to call them freckles.) I miss the daily drama of my garden.
Everything is shifting, all the time. And then resettling. Shifting again. There is no solid ground.
In spring I will trim away the dead wood. Toss it in a big pile and start a fire.
Which will remind me of winter.
And so it goes.
.
.
.
January 28th, 2016 at 10:06 am
I am writing much the same today….thanks for these beautiful words…
‘I wondered if I want to be happy, and decided yes, but not all the time. I’d prefer to be okay with being sad or angry or bored or irritated or content or confused, too. I’d prefer to experience all of it.’
I think all these emotions make my soul happy to be alive and feeling them.
January 29th, 2016 at 11:15 am
I can understand some of these emotions. That’s how I feel about January. I dread it – I call it “The January Hangover” because the whole world seems united at Christmastime (religious or not), and afterwards its all gone and I have to trudge through cold, boring, numbing January.
May this February be different. Thanks for the words, Mosk
January 30th, 2016 at 3:21 pm
“Doors. An endless source for metaphors.” Yes!! This is piece is SO beautifully written and the line about doors spoke to me. I’m an amateur watercolorist and collect photos of doors for paintings. Doors appeal tor this reason. Thanks so much for sharing this!
January 31st, 2016 at 10:39 am
i’ve been sitting here looking for the words to respond. the words i know, the ones i don’t. i know you know.
we’re obsessed with happiness and safety and all that stuff no one promised us. it’s up to us to recognize the happiness when it comes, to say hello to it, but to understand it will flitter away for a bit, then flitter back on a sad day and make us laugh. happiness has its own map.
xoxo
February 1st, 2016 at 11:13 am
Lovely read and beautiful words Kelly. You know, I don’t tell my kids anymore that all I want is for them to be happy, because I think in many ways seeking happy is a trap. I think, like d smith wrote, to know happy when it hits you and relish in that moment is the gift we look for.
This is my favorite line in your post “And I know there will be times when I choose not to use that map at all, because I don’t always like to know where I’m going, I’d rather drift and explore.” And this is why the price of always wanting to be happy is too high. Because the unexpected has buried treasure for us if we are willing to live all the myriad of feelings outside of happy. So glad I stopped here this morning. Hugs XO