she’s come undone
Lately I am having the hardest time buckling down, getting things done, accomplishing anything. I blame it on the weather, but it’s a lame excuse. And then I start to wonder why I need to blame it on anything at all, is it a flaw, this lack of drive, or is it just a temporary state, a time to refill and recharge and allow whatever happens, or does not happen, to be?
In fact, I gave myself permission to do just this, to do whatever I wanted in January, or not, as I so desired. Of course there is work, and that is not optional, but beyond that, I told myself it would be okay if I did nothing, at least for this one month.
And here I am feeling guilty about it, constantly feeling like I should be doing this thing or that thing, or accomplishing something, or getting this, this and this ready for the year ahead. Silly me.
Or crazy, workaholic me, whichever comes first, and these days, I’m just not sure.
I gave myself permission and that was not enough. I planned for this break, and now I second-guess myself. Every evening, I walk around in circles trying to choose what to do, when all I really want to do is read.
So much for balance.
I am completely off-kilter and it’s only the middle of January. I have forgotten how to relax, and now I am stuck in this limbo between running around like crazy and enjoying some down time, not really doing either one. And so, not reaping the benefits of either.
I keep thinking I must be doing something wrong. I know my life is good, I do. I just need to figure out a way to make the days less of a jumble. Is that even possible? It looks like other people do it, but I have never figured out the secret.
I don’t have an organized brain. I accept this about myself. I work around it, but I always end up back in the same chaotic place. I think it’s who I am. Are creative and organized mutually exclusive? Maybe, I have no way of knowing.
Or maybe I just wasn’t meant to be buckled down. But we’re all buckled down to this life in one way or another, aren’t we? Even Peter Pan had to have his shadow sewn back onto his foot.
Still, my mind keeps rebelling and flying off to other places, declining to go where I direct it, refusing to stay where I set it down.
How does that saying go, “If you love something, set it free?”
I’m thinking it might just be time to give that one a try…
this post is part of one word wednesday over at jillsy girl
January 19th, 2011 at 8:31 am
Ah the monkey mind…just let it be free. Don’t judge the thoughts or yourself, let them things swirl and they will settle into place.
Love this!
January 19th, 2011 at 9:32 am
My hubby has a hard time relaxing, but I’ve worked with him on it so now he can actually go out on our boat and not feel like he has to be cleaning it or fixing something, but just sit and relax!!
January 19th, 2011 at 9:51 am
Interesting to read this this morning. I got out of bed feeling somewhat in that space, doing one thing, feeling I should be doing another, then the dynamic (& uncomfy) tension that creates.
I am, slowly, settling in…Reminding myself that I don’t need to “explain” my inner rythms~even to myself. Doing nothing fully, doing something fully, playing with how that can be as effortless as possible. We shall see.
January 19th, 2011 at 10:25 am
You have an uncanny way of putting into words the kinds of feelings that I’m experiencing.
I too seem to be stuck in that limbo between running around and relaxing and not really being able to do either. I think it’s January’s hold on us. I’m trying to be ok with it but it doesn’t sit comfortably.
January 19th, 2011 at 11:55 am
All I can say to you is more hot baths, more pj-wearing, more indulgence in that which makes you happy. In the end, you’ll relax even when you don’t think you are ♥
January 19th, 2011 at 12:12 pm
Even Peter Pan had to have his shadow sewn back onto his foot.
… brilliant!
i feel your pain … i feel the topsy turvy rollercoaster … wtf?
i woke last saturday morning with a start realizing five whole days had just gone by and even though i am moving through the day, what on earth did i accomplish?
and then i reminded myself … and i have to do that a lot lately because i tend to forget … i have to remind myself to be gentle … to focus … to put some of my practices into place … to remember to live in the moment even if that moment may not be adding up to much, or is it?
patience …
take heart, mrs. m, that what you contribute here, at the blue muse, i.studio and so many other spots that you grace in this community; is immense … that you are talking heart to heart, inspiring and making a difference in so many people’s days and lives … a beautiful accomplishment indeed : )
have faith … turn your face to the sun … be gentle with yourself and if it helps at all, this little mantra by julian of norwich is nice to tuck into your pocket ~
all shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.
a hug and a squeeze ~
prairiegirl
: )
January 19th, 2011 at 12:36 pm
January often leaves me like that, walking in circles knowing I am supposed to be doing something, but I can’t figure out what. It must be the idea of all those blank days ahead, waiting to be filled with SOMETHING IMPORTANT. I read Sue Monk Kidd’s When The Heart Waits a few Januarys ago, and now understand that sometimes walking around in circles, waiting is the something important we are meant to do.
January 19th, 2011 at 2:15 pm
The older I get the harder it is for me to just sit and relax. I haven’t figured out why – adult onset ADD or is it just a normal thing that happens?
January 19th, 2011 at 3:20 pm
I feel alot like this today, too… {{{hugs}}}
January 19th, 2011 at 3:23 pm
You and me both, chica. You. And. Me. Both.
Just breathe.
January 19th, 2011 at 4:17 pm
I’m finding that the hardest thing for us to let go of is the guilt we feel if we’re not moving, shaking, creating, tending, etc.
Slow down…the rest will wait.
January 19th, 2011 at 4:59 pm
Sigh… your words describe so succinctly the struggles of many souls right now, including my own. Maybe it is the time of year, as you say, when we seem coerced to replenish, take stock and prepare for the months ahead. Or maybe there is something more profound going on….
Why is it that we feel that we have to actually ‘achieve’ something concrete in order to justify every minute of our existance, to quantify our activity and to be accountable in some way? It is so exhausting! How sad it is when we struggle to relax and simply listen to the whisperings of our hearts. Maybe we simply need to revert back to our childhood selves and learn how to ‘play’ lol!
I hope and pray you quickly find ‘rest for your soul.
Hugs xxx
January 19th, 2011 at 5:29 pm
I know exactly how you feel, all of it. Work, yes. Just delivered some of it to the printer. But my – whatever, writing, playing with paper. I, too, walk around in those circles looking for the next thing. I am really trying not to be so critical of myself – that’s a huge goal. Wish I could just enjoy a day off. In fact, I think I’ll take a nap. That’s my response when nothing is working and I just want to eat. Better to get some rest. Deep breaths and naps and appreciate what you do do? Love your posts. I feel there is understanding out there.
January 19th, 2011 at 8:21 pm
my mind is often in a jumbled state, too. if you haven’t seen it, then i’ve hid it well from you. if you have seen it. i like you even better 🙂
i think your january will be my february. being away this month is such a gift. but i think once i’m home, the i’ll walk in circles around the house wondering “what now”
don’t be too hard on yourself. we are enough just as we are. write it out if you have to…..I AM ENOUGH.
January 19th, 2011 at 10:10 pm
I don’t even know what to say. There are days when I sincerely wonder if I’m not just losing my mind. I’m actually hiring an assistant this week because the chaos has become almost unmanageable. I’ve tried “simplifying”, organizing, categorizing, saying no, saying yes, slowing down, speeding up, drinking more, drinking less, getting up earlier, sleeping more, various pharmaceuticals. One of my many dirty little secrets is that when I take Methylphenidate it makes a dramatic difference in my quality of life. Despite being properly prescribed said miracle cure, there are complications that make it difficult to actually take. My motto, and I’m perfectly serious, is better living through pharmaceuticals. I used to think that was a weak-ass cop out until I discovered my ‘cure’. sorry, this comment kinda went off the rails at some point…
January 20th, 2011 at 12:27 am
Oh. I know this too. Sigh. I say read. read. read.
January 20th, 2011 at 12:41 am
this is how i felt when suddenly maggie was gone – i’d been taking care of her for so long and then . . . what now? moving into a different space, even if only metaphorically, maybe requires rattling around a bit in the old place. shedding a skin and no sewing anything back on.
and re: the chaos. i once had a painting teacher tell me that only true artists can live in chaos, and she meant that both physically & mentally, because a true artist can see beyond the clutter, knows things and feelings will be moved around, find new spots, maybe be tossed out. maybe not today, but someday.
you be the real deal.
January 20th, 2011 at 9:58 am
You’ve certainly held up a powerfully reflective mirror today Mrs. M. I’ll bet we all see ourselves in your present state of being. Awareness is everything though – so while you may feel like you’re not using your time as effectively as you could at this moment, know that you’re on the brink of something that will mean a lot.
Sometimes, stillness is avoided at all costs because within it, we may be called upon to face something we’ve been avoiding or denying or wishing away. I’m going to share a quote from a book that came to mind as I read your post. I read the book a long time ago – but this one passage floats back to me from time to time. For now, I’ll say: Remember your bread crumbs. What you seek may be found there …
“And now, in my stillness, I hear something. ‘Where have you been?’ my inside body whispers to my outside one. Its sense of outrage is present, but dulled by the grief of abandonment. ‘I had ideas. There were things to do. Where did you go?’
What can I answer? ‘Oh, I had some errands to run. I had a few things to do. I needed to get married and have a child and go underground for 25 years, be pleasantly suffocated. I meant to come back. But the bread crumbs got blown away.’
What, then, are the bread crumbs that got blown away? What is it that connects you to the place inside where you feel rooted and at home with yourself in a true state of being? When is it that you feel most authentic and present to your true nature?”
(You’ve felt called to read Ernest Hemingway recently. That’s a breadcrumb with a message, I think …)
January 20th, 2011 at 10:31 am
“I have forgotten how to relax”. Key realization, isn’t it? Just like anything else we “forget” how to do, there is discomfort in relearning. But it’s worth it….at least that’s what I keep telling myself.
January 22nd, 2011 at 12:37 pm
I say give your mind what it craves! It knows what it needs, even if you’re not entirely sure.
I’ve had a few “break” periods in my life, when I was in-between jobs or projects. i always felt slightly guilty to for not “doing something” during these times, but looking back, they were so important. They were there to prepare me for the big monster thing that was right around the corner.
Rest! You deserve it! 🙂