eye of the storm
I sit here, needing something, but I am speechless.
I have spent another day running around in circles. Some of them were good circles, some of them were too constraining. Some of them weren’t circles at all, they were spirals. I have so much to do that I can’t concentrate on anything, and for some reason, I am exhausted. I have a show this weekend, I have to work, have to make ready, have to do this, have to do that.
But I sit here. Hoping that if I get the words out, something will change. Hoping it is the words, all jumbled up inside, causing this inability to focus. Hoping.
I am outside, it is almost dusk, the air is still. My mind is not.
My mind is like these mosquitoes that are about to drive me inside. Pesky, buzzing, flittering, fluttering. Annoying.
If I sit here long enough, I wonder if my mind will become as calm as the air. I hear birds. Crickets. Peeping frogs. No grasshoppers just now, perhaps they are already asleep. The fading sunlight filters through the long row of bushes that hides me from my neighbors, my far-away neighbors that I still wish to be hidden from.
At the end of that row is the elderberry bush, bent low to the ground with the weight of its fruit, full and ripe. I feel like that too, just now. Heavy with my own potential.
I should get up and get my camera so I can take a picture of this abstract watercolor sky. But I feel too tired. I don’t have the energy. If I go inside to get my camera, I don’t think I’ll come back out.
Inside, the fans are still going. Outside, the air is perfectly still.
It has been like that since this morning.
I think I just need to sit here for a bit
and enjoy this breeze of silence.
:
p.s. I came back out.
August 20th, 2010 at 8:40 am
I have days (weeks, months) like this too ~ though you are able to express the inner turmoil so much better than I could.
I also related to the Elderberry bush – though for me, I felt weighed down by tasks and responsibilities that I no longer desire to carry. I’ve entered a phase of life where boundary setting, self-sufficiency (in others) and de-cluttering is becoming vitally important.
Your potential is as vast as the beauty you’ve captured in the night sky. I think you’re special, and then some. I’m so grateful you share your feelings as you do – and wish I could be of some assistance in helping you shift to a ‘lighter’ place.
August 20th, 2010 at 8:44 am
Powerful; a fully ‘pregnant’ expression of how Mother Nature is bulging with energy~ noiseless, yet full of sound.
August 20th, 2010 at 9:24 am
Spirals can be informative. But only if we do as you did & just sit, settle & breathe.
Fluid spirals of sweet comfort to you…
August 20th, 2010 at 9:58 am
Lately – I too – have had too many days like this. Long lists..too much to do..not sure what to do first..and thus getting nothing done. Running in circles is the perfect metaphor. Hope you found a little peace..
August 20th, 2010 at 10:43 am
a sky like that should have calmed you down somewhat…no?? stunning!
hope today is better!
August 20th, 2010 at 12:51 pm
i’ve been running in those circles, too….or spirals…..and getting nowhere but annoyed with myself…..
xo
August 20th, 2010 at 1:10 pm
I like how peaceful your blog is. I would love to do something similar, but maybe when my kids are a bit older. Appreciate your blog 🙂
August 20th, 2010 at 5:08 pm
“heavy with my own potential.” love that phrase.
now if i was there beside you, i’d muster enough energy to open a bottle of wine for us – maybe even have enough reserve to snag us 2 glasses, but maybe not – and we’d stir up a breeze with our duet of silence.
(assuming you drink quietly, that is.)
August 20th, 2010 at 5:33 pm
Breathe in ,breathe out , slowly … repeat as needed, 🙂
August 20th, 2010 at 5:40 pm
Sometimes in those spirals and circles, we settle in the eye of the storm where it’s nice and quiet. A cocoon. Loud in that quiet, alone with thoughts. Words have a way of poking at us, needling at us. But listening to us too.
Love you!
August 20th, 2010 at 6:37 pm
Hopefully days like this are few and far between for you. That said, this is gorgeous writing.
Hope you find some energy soon.
xo jj
August 20th, 2010 at 9:43 pm
My God, girl. Those colors are brilliant. I, for one, am so glad you came back out.
I’ve felt exactly as you are feeling right now, although your expertise at explaining those feelings far outweighs mine!
August 26th, 2010 at 11:49 am
and did it? your mind, i mean? become as calm as the air? would that i could write like you. xoxo